Man Cooks Himself in Protest

In a public protest over the price of soup, a man cooked himself in this giant soup pot earlier today.
A bit of thyme, some rosemary and a few bay leaves were added after the water came to a boil, the pot simmered for about 35 minutes, then it was drained through a giant strainer, and a beef-chicken stock was folded in while stirring.
The whole was then placed in a pre-heated oven at 450 degrees for 45 minutes, and a bit of fresh chopped parsley was added for color.
Fresh ground pepper was added to taste, and served piping hot.

Elephant Soccer Star

Ernesto Elefanto the famous elephant soccer star posed for our camera this morning at practice.
He is expected to lead his team's win in the Cup playoffs.

Man Turned to Stone

This man was turned to stone by simply having looked briefly at a Medusa wandering by.
"People used to turn to stone a lot more when the Medusa was out in public," a guardian at the Medusa Temple informed this reporter. "Nowadays, we only get one or two a week."
Several dozen people who have been turned to stone by the Medusa are on FREE display at the Medusa Temple Bookstore's Display Department.
"You can be turned to stone for a small fee," the guardian told us. "we've had many requests for this service, and in the past few years, the demand is growing."

Coca Cola Machine Attacks Russian Soldier

A Russian soldier was jumped by an overly aggressive Robotic Coke Machine early this morning. The Taman Division Serviceman said, "I put in a couple Rubles, and suddenly 4,000 pounds of leaping vending machine came at me...fortunately, I was able to leap backwards just in time and I did, in the end, get the soft drink."
The Coke machine and Russian soldier were both questioned by the authorities and the matter was dropped entirely. The Coca Cola machine has resumed its post and is still dispensing soft drinks at this time. No suspension was ordered by the vending company, as the soldier dropped the charges against it at the preliminary hearing.

Strange New Bird Species Seen at Psychic-Star Blog Offices

This large and unusual bird of an unknown and previously unregistered species flew over my house early this morning, depositing a large golden egg on my lawn and then rising quickly to fly back to its nest, somewhere West-Northwest of here.
I took a quick photo to send in to the Audubon Society -- they will surely be delighted to catalog this new bird and to notate its unusual markings, which give a strange sense of intention to the natural selection process.
I checked my audubon bird catalog but was unable to find a close match.

World's Largest Butterfly Lands on Woman's Head

Reportedly the world's largest butterfly known to Man, this Java Ketchupbinder landed on a woman's head while she stood watching the Royal Ascot races on Ladies' Day.
The enormous butterfly was captured and pickled after being pried off the head of designer Kristensen, on whose head it had plastered itself during the opening ceremony.
When fully dehydrated, the giant butterfly will reside in the Permanent Collection of Lepidoptery on the 5th floor of the British Museum.

Head-Bashing Champion

Argentina's World Cup Headbasher Maradona delivers his World Champion Headbash against former World Champ in the Heavyweight Headbasher class, Luke Warm.
In accordance with World Class Headbashing Committee Regulations, both opponents had their brains removed prior to the event.

Kim Felixmueller's New Love Interests

Kim Felixmueller with a bevy of stunningly beautiful female companions, all of whom have been through makeovers with dresser/hairstylist Brettt Lovley, who is the personal designer responsible for the newest latest hottest "beer bottle look".
"I am visioning all women looking like bottles of beer," he said. "Then they will get the attention they need and deserve." Lovley was profoundly affected by the World Cup Soccer Effect, which demands the profound attention of every male on the planet.
Next season's "look" is reportedly the "Slim Video Plasma Screen", which we have seen on several superstars already, anticipating the season by several months in case they are still in rehab when the new fall fashions arrive.

14 Million Cars Recalled on Safety Issue

Safety Issues were a major concern in this recall of over 14 million automobiles today. Apparently the autos were produced with live ammunition placed within the frame, which has been known to explode when the brake is applied too rapidly.

American Personality Dominates the Planet

American Personality Nicole Richie attends a question and answer session in Sydney, Australia, demonstrating that celebrity is all you need for publicity.

Giant Aliens Battle Over Possession of Planet Earth

Aliens fight over Planet Earth

Earlier today, two enormously gigantic space aliens (see photo) fought wildly over possession of Planet Earth, which has been covered with a thick coating of Gulf oil slick, and which now resembles a basketball.
If they happen to dribble, it's all over for us.

Become a Movie Star Using Psychic Powers

Here's how to become an instant movie star mega-celeb using simple psychic powers:

1. Dowse for the best movie studio and theatrical agent. Sign with the Agent.
2. Telepathically induce a trance into the studio head.
3. Induct a phone call from studio head to your agent.
4. Telepathically suggest the terms of contract to favor you and your family.
5. Sign the contract when it comes.
6. Refuse to show up for work. This will convince the studio that you're a professional actor or actress and will get you going in the tabloids.
7. Lose your passport, get totally ripped, cheat on your life-partner, get yourself slugged by someone, preferably your partner, then call in a 911 to the local police, make sure the recorded message gets to CNN, admit to whatever you're accused of, then merely put yourself in rehab for a few days and wait for further results.

Gary Coleman's Model Trains

Gary Coleman was a model train enthusiast...make that "model train obsessive-compulsive". His collection and layout would be worth $150,000 or more, but don't forget, he paid full retail. He ruled over his train world until he was unable to move the layout to California, where he failed to rule as governor. His trains and layout were left in Colorado, where they now sit packed up in boxes in storage. There's simply no room for them anywhere at the moment, and nobody has come forward with the $1.6 million needed to house them properly. Shannon would like to sell them on eBay and if she has her way about it, she probably will do just that. I have a bid in for the 4-12-4 handmade Calabaloo live-steam Engine myself. You can see my own H-O train layouts in my book, "Parallel Worlds DayTripper Excursions". I don't plan to have my layout destroyed and packed up in boxes...I've already taken it apart and plan to rebuild it in the Astral Plane. Now, how to monetize a model train layout in the Astral is another matter.

Lindsay Lohan Passport Video Game

Here's a new app for your iPod or smartphone...the Lindsay Lohan Passport Game. I found it and played it on TMZ. Too bad you didn't find it first. It was under the first red cup. Okay, now that I've pwned that game and found the passport, I'm going to sell it on eBay, starting at $1 no reserve, in a featured auction. You can find it on eBay's front page along with my Elvis Presley Fringe Suede Jacket and Michael Jackson Sparkly Glove.

Britney Spears Predictions

As you probably already know, I'm the greatest psychic predictor since Moses. So here are my predictions for Britney Spears:

1. She will be in rehab a total of 14 times before the year 2012.
2. The name "Britney Spears" will be a household name in every country in the world by the year 2012.
3. Britney Spears will donate 50% of the proceeds from her new lingerie line "Britney Has No Secrets" to the Gulf victims.

Elvis Lives in Palm Beach

Elvis is living on the Star Protection Program. He's in Palm Beach, next-door neighbor to Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline. If you want to catch a glimpse of him, hang out at the Piggly-Wiggly market downtown around noon to 2 pm. Tell him I sent you.